The Trouble
by theCalliope
Summary: When Nyota is unexpectedly pregnant, she and Spock must reassess their priorities as they face their impending family life. Now complete!
1. Chapter 1

Warning: Not exactly angst, but not fluffy either. A little bit OOC. Will probably be a threeshot.

* * *

Spock knew what was going on before Nyota did, but he wasn't going to say it. As she ran off the bridge during her shift to throw up in the replicator, he helped her wipe her face but said nothing.

"Just a touch of stomach flu," she told Kirk, gesturing that he shouldn't worry.

But she seemed to be gaining weight rather quickly considering she'd had stomach flu for a week now.

It was a few days later, when she fainted on the bridge that Captain Kirk sent her to see Dr. McCoy.

Spock slipped into the turbolift with her without asking permission. Kirk either didn't notice or didn't want to say anything.

When they got to sickbay, the doctor lay her down on a table and told her what Spock already knew. That she was pregnant.

She looked shocked. Stunned. She put her hand on her belly, as if just beginning to comprehend that there might be something in there. She looked at Spock for an indication of what he thought, but his face was blank.

Dr. McCoy gave her some pills to swallow, and pulled Spock aside.

"Am I to understand that this wasn't planned?" he asked quietly, so that Nyota couldn't hear.

Spock nodded uncomfortably and McCoy looked up and exhaled loudly. Then, he gave Spock a disappointed, almost accusatory look. Spock knew what he was thinking. That he had expected that someone like Spock would be more responsible.

Walking back into the middle of the room, and slipping into his unemotional, informative medical tone stated loudly,

"I must inform you that naturally conceived children of interspecies couples have a high risk of genetic defects."

He looked at Nyota, as if he expected her to gasp or cry or something, but instead, she just nodded impassively. Spock had seen her act like this before. He thought she might be overwhelmed.

"I would recommend that you undergo further testing to determine the viability of the fetus," the doctor continued.

"Can we do it now?" Nyota asked, suddenly looking anxious. Dr. McCoy shook his head.

"You'll have to see a specialist. I know a few on Earth, but I'll have to see if I can get in touch with one nearby. I'll let you know."

He helped Nyota off the examination table,

"You two are relieved of duty for the day. I'll tell Captain Kirk."

"Why?" Spock asked.

"Because you need to talk," the doctor spat, ushering them out.

*****

"How do you feel?" Nyota asked as soon as they were in the turbolift.

"I do not know," he replied, a bit dishonestly. The truth was, he hadn't thought about it because he felt it was unlikely the child would be healthy enough to make it to birth.

"How about you?" he asked in turn.

"I don't know either," she said, suddenly grabbing on to him, "I mean I always thought we'd have kids at some point, but not now ..."

Tears began to roll down her face. Spock could tell she was afraid.

"There is nothing to be afraid of," he said gently, "I am sure you have the strength to handle whatever events unfold."

"That makes me feel worse!" she snapped, and she almost laughed. She paused a bit, and then asked,

"What are we going to do?"

She rolled her head in despair.

"We will wait until we hear from Dr. McCoy," Spock stated, "Unless you are sure you want to ..."

"Look under 'A' in the ..."

He nodded.

"What do you think?" she asked.

" As a Vulcan, I have to admit I have ethical problems, but ..."

"But what?" she asked.

"I have to take your preference into account as well ..."

Nyota sighed.

"Let's find out whether this kid has any genetic defects before we make any rash decisions," she said finally, starting the turbolift in motion.

*****

It was three weeks before they returned to Earth. The errand that the Enterprise had to run was so contrived that Spock was sure that the doctor had talked to Captain Kirk.

As they beamed down, ostensibly for 'vacation', Spock began to worry. He wondered what they would actually do if there was something wrong with the baby. He wondered if his deep respect for life would extend to a baby with no head or organs on the outside of its body. He could tell Nyota was worried too. She kept looking around nervously.

The specialist was a kind, elderly man named Dr. Gonzales. He called Nyota 'sweetheart' as he helped her up onto the examination table. He spent over an hour examining her, taking sample and analysing them with the computer. Finally, he led the two into the consultation room.

"You two are extremely fortunate," he said quickly, sensing their nervousness, "There is no reason your baby won't live a long and healthy life."

Nyota grinned when he said this, and Spock felt himself relax slightly. The doctor turned stern.

"Now I want to impart on you that you were very, very lucky. Less than five percent of couples I see in your situation have healthy children. I don't want to bring out the slide deck of horrors, but I want you know that naturally conceiving children in your situation is a very, very bad idea."

"It was a mistake," Nyota said quietly and a bit apologetically.

"Well, I am sure you are aware that there are many effective methods of birth control available, including a number that Vulcan clerics have deemed morally acceptable."

He looked at Spock as he said this. Nyota looked at the ground. Neither wanted to say the truth. That they simply had been too embarrassed to talk about it.

"Anyhow," the doctor continued, standing "I will let Doctor McCoy know the good news."

The pair got up.

"Do you know whether it's a boy or a girl?" Noyta asked suddenly.

"A boy," the doctor said with a grin.

"And if you decide he is in need of siblings, make sure you see me _before_ you get pregnant," he added, waving them off.

*****

"You look worried," Nyota commented as they walked away from the office.

"I am apprehensive," he admitted. This was an outcome he had not considered. He wondered if he would be a good father. He wondered if his father had been a good father.

"So am I," she said, "But I am starting to warm up to the idea. I mean it'll be a lot of responsibility, but babies are really sweet and there's never really a good time to be a parent."

Spock took her hand.


	2. Chapter 2

The good feeling didn't last long. When they got back to her quarters, Nyota huddled next to Spock and for the second time asked,

"What are we going to do, Spock?"

"Wait," he replied.

"What?" she asked.

"Currently, the fetus is developing. We will have to wait until it is born before we do anything."

Nyota laughed slightly,

"Spock, always so logical."

Then, she looked down dejectedly,

"It's just that a starship is no place for a kid."

The way she looked, Spock wondered if she might have been thinking what he had been thinking. That maybe on some level she hadn't really been hoping for a healthy baby. Maybe she'd been hoping for an excuse.

"It is against Starfleet policy to have civilian family members—" Spock started.

"Not that I expect Kirk to enforce it," Nyota interjected, "It's just that there's no facilities on board."

"How much does an infant really require?" Spock countered.

"It's not having a baby around that I'm worried about. It's having a toddler that wants to run about, a kid that needs to go to school, a teenager who wants friends to hang out with."

Spock had no answer to this.

"If you want to ..." Spock said finally, "I mean just because we went to the effort of finding out whether—"

She cut him off.

"I couldn't do it Spock," she said softly, "Not now. Not knowing that it's a boy. It makes it too real."

She closed her arms around him.

"And I love you Spock, and it's a piece of you," she started sobbing softly, "I mean .... I've had other boyfriends and all, but I'm so glad it's you that this happened with ..."

Spock wasn't prepared for this level of emotionalism and faltered. Eventually, he closed his arms around her as well.

*****

Spock wished that the crew would be a little bit less congratulatory. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate the thought, it was just that he felt more nervous and surprised than pleased, and he was worried that it would show.

"Thank you," was his usual response, and he hoped that no one would find him more impassive than usual. Nyota was better at responding, she would talk about potential names, and sometime hold his hand and beam. Spock couldn't tell whether it was a real beam or a fake beam. Sometimes he thought it might be a combination of both.

There was one thought that Spock didn't relish: calling his father and explaining that he had impregnated his girlfriend that he had never told him about. He put it off for a few days until it bothered him so much he knew that he had to get it over with. He asked Nyota to make the call with him. He said it was so he could introduce her, but really it was for what humans called 'moral support'.

It took his father awhile to pick up, as it wasn't a scheduled call.

"Hello, Spock," Sarek answered, and then added quickly "Are you hurt?"

Of course, his father assumed that the only reason he would make an unplanned call was if something bad had happened.

"No, father," Spock replied, and it was at that point that Sarek looked up at the screen and saw Nyota. There was a glint of surprise in his eyes as Spock said, "I have other news to tell you."

"What is that?" Sarek asked. Spock could tell that upon seeing Nyota he had made a few quick logical deductions, and his face displayed a very faint expression that Spock could tell was concern.

"Nyota and I have been involved for some time," he started, indicating next to him.

"Your mother told me that before she died," Sarek interjected.

This surprised Spock, as he had never told his mother, but how she had known wasn't really relevant at this point.

"I am calling to let you know that we are expecting a baby," Spock articulated quickly, wanting to get it out.

By Sarek's subtle expression, he could tell that this was not the news he was expecting.

"Is it defective?" Sarek asked uncouthly. Nyota looked horrified, but Spock was unfazed.

"No," he answered, "We had the fetus tested on Earth."

As much as possible, Sarek looked mollified.

"That is good to hear," he said.

Spock wanted to ask exactly what he meant by this, but didn't.

"This is Nyota Uhura," he said, "I do not believe you have met her before."

Sarek formed his hands into the Vulcan salute and Nyota returned it.

"I am pleased to hear this son," Sarek stated, possibly for Nyota's benefit, "I have stated my desire for grandchildren before, although ..."

He dropped off. Whatever the 'although' was, it wasn't for Nyota's ears.

"Am I to expect that my grandchild will be coming to live with me on New Vulcan?" Sarek continued.

Spock didn't find this question unexpected, but Nyota did, and gave him a concerned glare.

"We have not discussed it," Spock replied honestly.

"And are you and Miss Uhura planning to get bonded before your child is born?"

"I will put it on my to-do list," Spock answered a bit sardonically, and Nyota giggled.

They continued the conversation for a few more minutes before Spock hung up.

"I can't believe that he thinks that we're going to send the baby to live with him," Noyta said as soon as Sarek couldn't hear.

"It is an option," Spock replied.

"What do you mean?" Nyota asked.

"You said that you felt a starship was inadequate for raising a child."

"I didn't mean that we were going to give him away!" Nyota exclaimed.

"It is not the same as 'giving him away'," Spock stated calmly, "We could always visit and we could always get him back."

Nyota pouted at him unhappily as he said this.

"It is not uncommon for Vulcan children to be raised by their grandparents," he continued.

"You mean they all--" she started angrily.

"Dr. Gonzales was incorrect. Vulcan teachings are at best ambiguous on the subject of birth control. There are always teenagers and young adults that are impregnated during Pon Farr, and their parents almost always raise their children."

"That sounds terrible," Nyota commented, possibly trying to change the subject "Even if their parents help out, all that responsibility at a young age must make them different."

"There is no evidence of that," Spock stated, "In one of my biology classes at the academy, we learned about a human five year old, who became pregnant though unfortunate circumstances. When the child was born, doctors observed that she preferred dolls over her own son. She remained a five-year-old and the fourteen-year-olds remain fourteen-year-olds."

Nyota sat and pondered this.

"I have met my father's new wife, and while I do not approve of my father's decision to remarry so soon after my mother's death, I cannot deny that she is kind and caring. I am not suggesting that it is something we should do right away. It is something we could do if we find the situation warrants it."

Nyota bit her lip and stared at the wall.

"We could also get different jobs."

"That is another option."

Spock took her hand gently.

"I guess this is something we don't have to decide right away," she said, "Although I have to admit that I don't like the idea of a mostly human kid being raised by Vulcans."

But of course, she would have a lot of time to think about it.

*****

"Congratulations," Captain Kirk said as Spock entered his ready room. Spock was getting sick of this response.

"It was not planned," he told Kirk, slowly and in monotone.

Kirk chuckled slightly.

"I know _that_," he said with a smile, "But might as well make the best of things."

Spock never saw the logic of seeing things as anything other than what they were.

"You are wondering what our plans are," Spock stated.

"A little," Kirk replied.

"We have broadly decided to either send him to live with my father or look for new positions."

Kirk smiled at this,

"Those would be the general choices, yes."

"I'm not going to tell Starfleet on you," Kirk continued, "But I don't much like the idea of a kid being raised in a five meter by ten meter room either. I think by the time he can walk you better ..."

"That is very reasonable," replied Spock.


	3. Chapter 3

A shotgun wedding was something that Spock never thought he would have. He had always seen himself as a planner, the sort of guy who would have things worked out months in advance. Or enter into something arranged. He never thought he would be married in the confines of Entertainment Room 1 by a half-sorry, half-amused Kirk.

As Spock stood in his uniform and Nyota in the only non-uniform dress she had brought into space, the captain gave his usual speech about how he considered it great privilege to marry crew members. He made a number of additions about how he considered to Spock be one of his closest friends and was pleased to see him married, but the entire speech was marked with too much surprise for Spock's liking. Spock thought he might be gloating a bit, getting him back for many lectures about taking too many liberties with women. When he explained that Spock would be taking Nyota's hand because Vulcans didn't believe in kissing in public, he emphasized the _in public_ part, making the audience laugh.

The rest of the eventing had an undertone of gossip. Sure, there was the right amount of celebration. There were drinks and dancing and wishes for the future, but there were also the double meanings, the winks that went along with the handshakes and the incessant jokes about Nyota not drinking. This irritated Spock immensely. It wasn't like her pregnancy was a secret. He wished that someone would come out and accuse him of marrying her only out of a sense of responsibility, instead of acting like the situation was amusing.

At the earliest appropriate moment, Spock picked up Nyota and carried her out to their new quarters. As soon as they entered, Spock saw that their friends had decorated it, thankfully tastefully, with paper flowers stating their best wishes. This pleased Nyota, and she had to run around and read every one out loud.

Afterwards, Spock grabbed her hand and said,

"Now that we are married, you have certain responsibilities," and then listed some extremely outdated duties from a Vulcan text.

At each one, she giggled, or shouted out,

"I'm not doing that!" in the most adorable way, and Spock felt happy.

But the whole evening seemed not quite right, like something out of someone else's life.

*****

Nyota was getting bigger, and was starting to have trouble doing things. At first, she would just complain about aches and pains, but then she became notably slower on her feet, and became out of breath with only the smallest amount of exercise.

Of course, she denied this, and kept running around the bridge until Kirk ordered her off it. This made her very angry, and Spock could hear them arguing in the ready room. Spock thought he heard the phrase,

" Because I'm the fucking captain!" fly through the air.

She looked livid as she stormed off the bridge, but Spock was secretly glad. Her being up there had bothered him for some time, but she had completely refused to discuss the issue whenever he brought it up.

As Nyota became increasingly immobile, Spock started to spend a lot of time helping her and trying to cheer her up.

"Spock you are so sweet," she would often say to him, but he didn't think so. It was only logical care for her.

*****

"What should we name the baby?" she asked Spock one night.

"Michael," he said.

Spock knew that he would always be trapped between two worlds, but he thought his son might have a chance at just one.

"You want to name our son _Michael_?"

Michael was the most common human name. More humans were named Michael than anything else.

Spock nodded.

"I guess I could live with Michael," she said.

She gave him a strange look, as if she had expected him to come up with all sorts of unusual suggestions and argue for hours.

*****

Nyota was going into labour, and like with the pregnancy, Spock knew it first.

"Let me take you to sickbay," Spock implored, but she wouldn't listen.

"I'm not feeling that bad," she insisted. Spock was about to explain to her how this was clearly not the case when she rolled into a ball and whimpered. Spock hurriedly picked her up.

Once in sickbay, he felt helpless. Dr. McCoy pushed him aside at first in a rush to examine Nyota, but then let him stand and hold her hand while he worked. He knew that his father's refusal to do this at his own birth had always been a source of discord between his parents, so he didn't complain, but Spock still couldn't quite see the point. Dr. McCoy had given Nyota something that made her sleepy, so she hardly ever open her eyes, except during a contraction. Sure, she always squeezed his hand at the same time, but Spock thought the action might be involuntary.

It was several hours later when McCoy said,

"I think we might be making some headway here," and an hour after that until the baby was born. McCoy insisted on doing a complete check-up immediately, and then handed him to Nyota, who stroked his head gently, still bleary-eyed.

"Spock," she whispered eventually, and he picked the baby up off her chest.

He looked a lot like both of them, he had Nyota's eyes and chin, his ears and nose and strange, broad cheeks that didn't seem to belong to either of them. The baby seemed to gaze behind him, and Spock tired to figure out what he was looking at before realizing that he was too young to focus his eyes yet. He figured he probably couldn't interpret sound yet either, so he resorted to Nyota's method and held the infant's cheek to his. Spock wondered if he could comprehend that he was his father, or even that he was being held. Spock suspected not, as the baby began to flail.

A few meters away, Nyota motioned that she wanted the baby back, and Spock put him back into her arms.

Spock had heard people describing holding their newborn for the first time as the most important moment of their life. He wondered if it was wrong to have expected more.


	4. Chapter 4

"Doesn't he ever sleep?!" Nyota asked in frustration. She hadn't really meant it as a question, so Spock didn't answer. They'd had the baby at home for almost two days, and he had yet to have more than a twenty-minute nap. Spock didn't say what he knew to be true: that Vulcan infants, at least full-Vulcan ones didn't sleep at all.

This wasn't the first problem they'd had. For the first day, the baby had screamed constantly until Spock had figured out that their quarters were too cold for him. They had borrowed an incubator from sickbay, and cranked it up, and the baby seemed a lot calmer, calm being a relative term. He was still upset by almost everything: the odd gust of cold air, twisted clothing, uncomfortable positions that he could get himself into but not out of.

The demands were constant. Besides needing to be comforted, there were feedings and changes. And the baby drank so slowly. By the time he had finished one bottle, it was almost time for the next. Spock had tried holding him in the cold air to encourage him to drink faster, but Nyota had exclaimed,

"Stop that Spock! The poor thing, he must be freezing."

But Spock didn't feel sorry for him. How could he feel sorry for someone who needed so much from him?

They were almost keeping pace. Michael had yet to cry for a bottle when they didn't have one ready, but there were piles of laundry growing on the floor and he would need a bath at some point. Spock had tried dabbing him with a sponge once, but he had screamed so hard that Spock had stopped.

It didn't help that Nyota was still sore and having trouble walking.

"How does he eat so much?" Nyota had asked at one point.

"Screaming takes a lot of energy," Spock had responded automatically.

And for the first time, she had almost smiled. Almost.

*****

A couple of days later, Kirk called Spock to the bridge. He was sorry to disturb him, but it was getting difficult being out both his communications officer and his first officer, and it really was urgent.

Nyota looked nervous.

_You're not leaving me alone with him_, her eyes seemed to say. Spock put his arm on her shoulder,

"The stasis unit is full of bottles, there are diapers in the closet and the hamper is full of clean laundry. You will be fine."

She still looked worried.

"And if you have any problems, I am only four hundred and six meters away."

She looked a slightly consoled.

"See you later," Spock said as he walked out.

"I wish I was going up to the bridge," she echoed behind him.

*****

When Spock got home after his shift, the baby was wrapped in a bundle of blankets and Nyota was carrying him. He had thrown up in the incubator and she hadn't had a chance to clean it. Screams filled the air, probably because he was too cold. Noyta looked at Spock wordlessly.

He removed the dirty sheets, washed out the incubator in the bath and put in fresh bedding.

"How was the baby while I was gone?" Spock asked.

She glared at him and shifted the baby in her arms. Spock was trying to figure out what to say when he had a moment of inspiration. He walked up to her, took the baby out of her arms and walked towards the door.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"For a walk," he replied. She looked confused.

"I thought you could use some sleep," he elaborated.

Her expression changed starkly, to one that was almost a smile.

"Good bye," Spock said as soon as he had gathered up a few of the baby's things. She was already changing into her pyjamas.

Spock walked towards the entertainment rooms, hoping one would be empty. He didn't think that there would be much there that would entertain a baby, but he hoped he could keep him both quiet and warm.

On the way, he saw an ensign that reported to him. Normally, they would have politely exchanged greetings and continued on, but today she ran up to him and asked,

"Commander Spock, is that your baby?"

"Yes, it is," he answered. She looked at him and smiled.

"Can I hold him?" she asked nervously. He was unsure.

"He sometimes cries if strangers hold him," he lied, not wanting to admit to having a child that cried all the time for no reason.

"You can try," he added.

She took the baby, and held him up, bouncing him slightly.

"Aren't you sweet," she whispered, still bouncing him until he started to whimper.

"He wants his daddy," the ensign said to Spock, quickly handing the baby back. He stopped crying almost immediately. Spock suspected he didn't enjoy being bounced.

The ensign pinched the baby's cheeks a few times before going on her way.

Spock was stopped twice more, both times by people he knew only professionally and almost never talked to. It occurred to him that being seen carrying a baby humanized him. He wasn't sure whether he liked it or not.

When Spock got to the entertainment rooms, they were packed. He didn't think the baby would react well to the excitement, so he went down to the mess hall. It was off-hours, so he didn't think there would be very many people there.

As he entered, he saw Dr. McCoy clearing off his tray. The doctor signalled him to wait, and then walked over.

"I have something for you in my office," he said, "Are you two going to be here awhile?"

Spock nodded. When the doctor came back, he was holding a box.

"A baby gift. I meant to give this to you right after he was born, but with all the excitement, I forgot."

Spock opened it. It contained a model aquarium complete with fake moving fish.

"My daughter had one of those when she was a baby and she loved it," Dr. McCoy explained.

"Thank you," Spock replied unsure whether it was a good gift. Dr. McCoy sat down on the bench next to him.

"How's it going?" he asked seriously.

"Good," Spock answered, not knowing what else to say. The doctor saw right through him.

"I know it can be rough, especially the first few weeks," he said.

Spock tried to avoid the doctor's gaze.

"Don't worry," he continued, "It gets better."

Still looking down, Spock considered this.

"How long?" he asked suddenly, in a harsh tone. The doctor looked slightly taken aback.

"Three months," he said encouragingly, "Three months, and you'll get into a routine. He'll be feeding less often and making it through most of the night."

But Spock hadn't wanted to know how long it would be before the baby made it through the night. He wanted to know how long it would be before he stopped being annoyed and started taking pictures. The doctor caught his wistful expression.

"Trust me, you'll be all right," he said, patting Spock on the shoulder and walking off.

The baby started acting cranky, and Spock wondered if Nyota had slept enough not to be angry with him anymore. He figured he should wait a bit longer. He went to the counter, and got some apple juice to feed Michael. He knew that juice was bad for babies, but he wanted to keep him quiet. An hour later, Spock went back to his quarters.

He put the baby in the incubator, and then set up the toy aquarium on a nearby table. After sorting some laundry, he noticed that the baby had somehow managed to sidle up against the side of the incubator to look out at it.

"Look at him," Nyota said softly, walking towards them, "Thinking little tiny logical thoughts."

* * *

_A/N: I know I said this was going to be a three-shot, but now it's looking more like a seven-shot. Darn stories, taking longer to tell than expected ..._

_A//N 2: Please review :) I really like the feedback_


	5. Chapter 5

One night, after his shift, Spock was sitting at the table. He had PADDs spread out and was working on an analysis. Nothing strictly mandatory, but something he thought might give rise to interesting results.

"Do you think you could help with the baby?" Nyota interjected, standing over him.

Michael had been lying quietly in his incubator for the better part of an hour.

"I do not see that he needs attending to," Spock answered, not looking up.

"I thought that maybe you could play with him or something," she insisted.

Spock didn't like this idea. It seemed unnecessary, and he worried that if he disturbed the baby, he might not be able to get him calm again.

"That is unnecessary," he stated.

"Spock!," Nyota exclaimed, "You can't just leave him lying there all day."

"He has been lying there for forty-three minutes and fifteen seconds," Spock corrected.

He turned back to his PADDs and made a calculation.

"Can you do some laundry then?" she asked, sounding frustrated.

They had just done laundry that morning. There wasn't that much in the hamper.

"Do you have a problem with me sitting here, doing this analysis?" he asked.

She stared at him.

"It's just that I'd like to be learning Denobulan or something too, but while tomorrow you're going to be off on your shift, I've got to worry about whether I'm going to have enough laundry and stuff to make it through the day."

To Spock, this seemed illogical. She had yet to not make it through a day.

"Relax," he said, "It will be okay."

Something in Nyota seemed to snap. Her demeanor exuded stress and rage.

"No!" she shrieked, "It will not be okay!"

Spock didn't know how to respond to this. He looked up at her, hoping she would say more, but she just stood there, and eventually stomped off. After reflecting for a minute, he returned to his PADDs.

When Nyota came back into the room, Spock was surprised to see that she was wearing her uniform. She stepped towards the door.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"To tell Captain Kirk that I'm ready to return to duty," she replied disdainfully, "That's clearly the only way I'm going to get you to do your share of the work."

*****

During the last feeding, the baby had spat up on Nyota. As she took off her clothes and put them into the hamper, Spock caught a glimpse of her naked body. It had been long before the baby was born when he'd last had her. He hardened at the thought.

Making sure that the baby was safe in his incubator, Spock waited until he heard the sound of the shower and went into the bathroom. As he slipped out of his clothes, he watched her through the glass. It was so arousing, seeing her washing herself as the water streamed down. The pregnancy had changed her body, but he still wanted it.

"What are you doing in here!?" she demanded as soon as he went in.

He pressed his body against her and whispered into her ear,

"What do you think I'm doing?"

"No," she spat.

"Nyota ..." he whispered. He made circles with his fingers on her back, but she stayed rigid.

"I'm sorry ..." she breathed, "I'm too ..."

Exhausted. Stressed. Busy. He knew what she was going to say, but he didn't understand. Why wouldn't she want to escape a bit together?

"We don't have to do anything too ..." he started, but she shook her head. He put his hand half-heartedly on her shoulder, as if to say it was okay and walked out.

As he stroked himself, Spock felt angry. Bitter. Upset. Never before had she rejected him like that. He thought of the baby whose cries she would attend to day or night, regardless of what she was doing, and wondered if he would ever be at the forefront of her mind again.

*****

Spock was resting on the sofa when he felt the ship shake. Normally, he would run up to the bridge, but it was Nyota's shift and now he had a baby to care for. He saw Michael slam into the side of the incubator. For an instant, he considered letting him slam a few more times, but he was already on his feet, running to save him.

He went out into the hall, which he knew was less likely to collapse in these types of incidents and sat down, holding the baby instinctively against his body. He hoped he could keep him calm until the ship was running smoothly.

He put two fingers to his son's head, and like the other times he had tried, he felt only the vaguest stirrings of consciousness. When he was crying, he could pick up discomfort, but otherwise, there was nothing.

This bothered Spock immensely.

When he had pictured being a father, he had imagined sharing with his son, being a mentor, a teacher, even a friend. He had not imagined his son lying blankly as he spent every moment catering to his basic needs.

*****

Kirk and Spock had fought on the bridge. Kirk had blamed a bad decision on his lack of emotion, and while Spock knew he had done the wrong thing, he thought Kirk was unfairly blaming his heritage. As he walked home, he thought of how he was going to tell the story to Nyota.

When Spock got inside, Michael was crying. Screeching.

"He's been like this all day," Nyota said helplessly, "I took him to see Dr. McCoy, and he says there's nothing wrong, he's just having a bad day."

Spock picked him up, but it didn't help much. He kept screaming. Spock eventually gave up, and put him back into the incubator. He sat down on the sofa. Nyota looked frustrated, but sat down reluctantly next to him, exhausted.

"I wish he would just stop," she said in a grating tone.

"He has to get tired eventually," he replied, trying at a joke.

"I hope so," she whispered drearily.

They went silent for a minute, and then Spock said,

"I had a fight with Kirk today."

"Really?" she responded disinterestedly. Her eyes were only half open.

"Never mind, it does not really matter," he stated quietly, but then something inside of him snapped.

"I apologize for mentioning it," he continued, "I know I am just the hired help."

The baby started to screech louder and Nyota went and picked him up out of the incubator.

"What do you mean by that?" she asked.

"That you are only interested in me when you need me."

She gave him a stunned, accusatory glare.

"You mean," she spat, "You want more attention?"

Spock thought that the 'more' was extraneous. He wanted five minutes of her attention.

"If you haven't noticed," she continued, enraged, "I have this baby ..."

As she said this, the baby gave a loud shriek. Suddenly, there was a dark, deranged look in her eyes. Her brow furrowed, and she looked uncontrollably angry. She stared at the baby for a minute and then held him out in front of her.

"Shaking can seriously harm a baby," Spock said, like a public service advertisement and grabbed the baby from her arms.

She stood there stunned for a minute, and then sat down shaking her head. She started sobbing slowly.

"I was going to do it," she cried, "I was really going to do it."

Spock put the howling baby into the incubator and sat next to her. He put his arms around her and she didn't pull away.

"You would not have," he whispered, "I know you."

"Really?" she asked.

He nodded. And he truly believed it. His response had been instinctive. A precaution.

She huddled against him more closely. Despite the wailing, she started to drift off, and Spock lowered her onto the sofa, and went to pick up the baby.

"I am going to take him to see Dr. McCoy, just to be sure nothing is wrong," he said. This wasn't true, he just wanted to get him away so she could calm down a bit. She nodded before dozing off completely.

*****

After sitting with the baby in a cargo bay for a few hours, Spock decided to return to his quarters. Passing by sickbay, he changed his mind, and thought it would be good to have the doctor check Michael out again, just in case.

The doctor scanned him carefully, and then said,

"He's perfectly fine, there's nothing to worry about."

"He has cried for ten consecutive hours," Spock persisted.

"Doctors have a saying," McCoy answered, "It's when they don't cry you have a problem. Growing so fast, babies are bound to have a few bad days. Being a baby is hard work."

Spock nodded.

"If you want," the doctor continued, "We can take him for the night. It's been dead here all day."

"That would be agreeable," Spock replied. McCoy seemed to smile slightly and added,

"You look like you've been through the wringer."

*****

As Spock walked towards he quarters, he was filled with dread. He had known what he had wanted to say for a few days, and now was the perfect opportunity to say it.

When he got in, Nyota was sitting up on the sofa.

"Where's the baby?" she asked.

"He is with Dr. McCoy. He is healthy, but he offered to watch him for the night."

"That's nice of him," she murmured gratefully.

Spock sat next to her and felt a weight in his stomach.

"Nyota," he said, "I think we should discuss sending Michael to live with my father."

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**_A/N: Just a reminder that I love reviews ;)_**


	6. Chapter 6

"What?!" Nyota asked before the question sank in, "You want to send him away?"

Spock nodded. She started crying,

"You ... you don't want me around him anymore," she bawled, "You think I might hurt him."

He put his arm around her,

"That did not factor into my considerations."

She gave him a skeptical glare before starting to sob again.

"The truth is ..." he started, and then wavered. What was the truth? He thought about it.

"I am unsure of how much more of this I can take."

The truth echoed through the room like a phasor burst.

"And I do not want the rest of my life to be like this."

Her eyes widened and she stared at him, and he could tell that she agreed with both of these statements.

"But he's our son ..." she said in a hushed tone, as if scolding him.

"So what is your plan?" he asked, suddenly feeling annoyed, "Should we pretend that we like him? Should we fabricate tales of joy and satisfaction to tell others? To tell him?"

"Spock!" she spat, "You have no idea how awful you sound!"

"You accuse me of being awful," he whispered, "But you do not accuse me of being wrong."

She lowered her head sadly.

"It is a logical choice," he continued, "We are unhappy. He is unhappy. We live on a starship, and have careers we would have to leave to care for him. My father is a well-established politician, and lives in a home fitting of a man of his stature. He has a new wife. He has servants. He would see to it that Michael had every opportunity in life. Our son would want for nothing."

"That is a lot of logic," Nyota murmured.

Spock stared at her.

"Then look me in the eye," he demanded, "And tell me that, really, truly, your heart is telling you to keep him."

And she caved.

*****

Spock knew that his father could tell when he was distressed. It was in his posture. While to humans, he seemed rigid regardless of circumstance; his father could see the slightest deviations in his comportment. The slight sagging of the shoulders. Then minor hunching of the back. Spock had spent the last few conversations struggling to keep composed, but he could tell his father knew otherwise. So it didn't surprise him when he turned on the Comm. only to have his father give him one glance and ask,

"Spock, what's wrong?"

His voice sounded monotone, but Spock could tell he was concerned.

"And where is Michael?" he added as an afterthought. This was the first time Spock had called without the baby in his arms.

"I wanted to talk to you alone," Spock stated. He didn't bother trying to avoid looking disheveled.

"What about?" Sarek asked kindly.

Spock took a deep breath,

"Nyota and I are having ... some difficulty ... raising Michael."

Sarek uttered a syllable as if he was going to ask Spock to elaborate, but when he saw his son's expression, he read between the lines.

"You want me to care for him?"

Spock nodded.

"If you are willing," he added after a minute, feeling bad, "I would understand if you were to change your mind about this. Nyota and I could find alternate arrangements. I do not wish to impose."

Sarek looked at him with a hint of suprise.

"Spock," he said, "I am your father. You are in trouble. I am here to help."

Spock thought of a time when he was a child and he'd hurt his ankle after going out to play when he was supposed to be doing his homework. He'd sat on the ground for half an hour before he'd got up the nerve to call his father. When he did, he was so sure that his father would be angry, but he wasn't. He had rushed to the playground as fast as he could and had worried about nothing but his son's pain the entire way to the doctor.

And now, Spock knew his father was saying the same thing he had said that day,

"Do not worry. I love you. I am coming."

*****

Kirk's face was flooded with disappointment when Spock told him where he was going.

"I told you it was a possibility when Nyota was pregnant," Spock said defensively.

"I just didn't think it was the one you would pick ..." Kirk replied sadly.

Spock didn't know how to respond.

"I guess parenthood isn't for everyone," he said finally.

But all day, Kirk was moody on the bridge.

When they got to the starbase, Spock wrapped the baby in a blanket and beamed down quickly. Nyota hadn't wanted to go with him. He looked around and saw Sarek sitting on a bench. He was surrounded by bags. It looked like he had brought more baby stuff for the trip than Spock and Nyota owned.

"Hello," he said.

"Spock," Sarek said eagerly. He got up and put his hands on his son's shoulders.

"This is Michael," Spock interjected, as if Sarek didn't know.

He took the baby from Spock, bounced him a few times and then put two fingers to his forehead.

"There is not much in there," Spock warned.

"Of course not at this age," Sarek responded, "So soothing to listen to, not a care in the world."

In a minute, Sarek put the baby into a carrier he had brought, and Spock leaned down and did up the strap. Then Sarek put his bags over his shoulder and picked it up.

"Now go out, and explore space," Sarek said as he walked down the hall and onto his transport.

Spock thought he felt a pang of regret as he walked away.

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**_A/N: Lots of good comments last time. Keep them coming :) Just one more chapter left._**


	7. Chapter 7

Spock entered his quarters empty-handed and looked at Nyota. It was done. She breathed a long sigh. Spock took off his boots and sat next to her.

He sat there silently, not knowing what to say. It was a chapter missing from the book on human culture: what to say to your wife on the day you give up your child. She didn't seem to know either, so they just sat there, wordless, waiting for their lives to return to normal.

But they didn't.

At first, Spock had thought that he could sleep for months, but a few days later, he was as alert and as energetic as he had ever been. He spent long days on the bridge, picking up all the duties he had neglected, but like with the sleep, it did not take as long as he had expected to recover.

Soon, the days seemed hopelessly expansive.

Sure there were the activities he had given up: the mathematical theorems he was determined to prove, the endless chess matches with Chekov, the weekly tennis match with Kirk, but none of it was as good as it used to be. None of it seemed worthwhile.

Spock had always liked living on a starship. He liked the order, the symmetry and the cleanliness. Each morning, he had admired it as he walked to the bridge. But now, he hardly even noticed his surroundings as he walked by. They even seemed imposing

*****

Spock and Nyota had yet to clean their quarters. The incubator sat un-returned in the corner and the floor stayed scattered with blankets. An empty bottle with a plastic lining sat on the counter, but neither of them threw it away.

Spock sat in the kitchen reading a Starfleet report. It wasn't a particularly interesting report, and it occurred to him that he normally would have sat Michael in his lap as he read it.

But now Michael was gone, and there was nothing left but reading and work and friends and fucking. It had used to be enough, but he wondered if it still was.

He stood up and saw the toy aquarium Dr. McCoy had given them, and remembered how Michael had shuffled to the side of the incubator to look at it. He stood there, staring until he heard Nyota walk up behind him.

"We should have sent it with him," he whispered.

"It's okay," Nyota tried to comfort him, "I'm sure he has a lot of toys, maybe even your old toys."

But it wasn't okay. How could he have sent his son away without even sending his favourite toy with him?

Nyota put her arms around Spock, but there wasn't any comfort in them. How could he have sent his son away so that he could have his wife to himself?

*****

On the bridge, Spock became strict and unforgiving. Sure, he had always been exacting, but he had always tried to be reasonable, and often apologized for seeming unsympathetic. Now, he felt he was losing his patience and corrected every error and criticized every fumble.

After one particularly disparaging comment, Kirk pulled him into his ready room and warned,

"Spock, you can't be treating people like that."

Spock didn't even bother to answer.

"Whatever's eating at you," Kirk continued, "You need to work it out."

He stared blankly at the space above Kirk's head.

*****

Spock awoke to hear Nyota shaking.

"What is wrong?" he asked.

"I need to know how he's doing," she finally admitted.

Spock told her to get dressed.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"Nowhere," he replied, "It would be considered improper to call New Vulcan in your nightgown."

Soon, they both were dressed, and Spock turned on the Comm. system. In a few rings, his stepmother answered.

"I am calling to check on Michael's wellbeing," he stated.

She panned the display so that they could see Michael sleeping on a blanket. It was satisfying to see him free from the incubator in nothing but a diaper, but he seemed strangely out of place next to this formally-dressed Vulcan in Sarek's fine living room.

"He sleeps often," the woman said, "My sister never slept until she was five years, three months and two days old."

"It is a human trait," Spock replied demurely.

"It is slowing his progress," the woman stated, "I was planning on spending this hour assisting him with high-contrast visual exercises."

"He spends less than two hours a day sleeping," Spock snapped defensively, "It should not hinder his progress substantially."

Michael started stirring on the blanket.

"Can we see how much he had grown?" Spock asked, not wanting to admit to other motives. The woman picked him up and held him close to the screen. Spock wondered if his son recognized him, before realizing that, logically, he wouldn't.

"Hi, Michael," Nyota whispered.

"If you will excuse me," the woman stated in monotone, "Now that he is awake, I have the computer configured."

Spock and Nyota watched the screen as the image winked out.

"High-contrast visual exercises," she mimicked.

And then she was crying.

Spock had heard her cry many times before: when she was upset, when she was injured, when she had been shot and left for dead, but he had never heard her cry like this before. He put his arms around her, and she cried harder.

"We will get him back," he whispered, "We will get him back."

She clutched onto him and buried her face into his shoulder.

"When?" she asked, with a sob that sounded like a shriek.

"We will get off at the next starbase, and we will take the next transport to New Vulcan. I will clear it with Kirk."

"And then what?" she asked.

Spock felt vaguely irritated,

"We will stay on New Vulcan or go back to Earth or go to a starbase. Does it really matter at this point?"

She shook her head, showing a tear-stained face.

"How ..." her voice wavered, "How ... did we screw up so badly?"

Spock held her, but she continued to cry for most of the night.

* * *

_**A/N: This is the last chapter, so if you haven't reviewed yet, this would be a great time to say what you think :)**_


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